Travel Humor:

Here are some signs and notices written in English that were discovered throughout the world.

In a Tokyo Hotel:
     Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person
     to do such thing is please not to read notis.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
     The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we
     regret that you will be unbearable.
In a Leipzig elevator:
     Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
     To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin
     should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing
     floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
In a Paris hotel elevator:
     Please leave your values at the front desk.
In a hotel in Athens:
     Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of
     9 and 11 A.M. daily.
In a Yugoslavian hotel:
     The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the
     chambermaid.
In a Japanese hotel:
     You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
     You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous
     Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily
     except Thursday.
In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
     Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots
     of ascension.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
     Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
On the menu of a Polish hotel:
     Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings
     in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten
     up in the country people's fashion.
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
     Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
In a Bangkok dry cleaner's:
     Drop your trousers here for best results.
Outside a Paris dress shop:
     Dresses for street walking.
In a Rhodes tailor shop:
     Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute
    customers in strict rotation.
A sign posted in Germany's Black forest:
     It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that
     people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together
     in one tent unless they are married with each other for that
     purpose.
In a Zurich hotel:
     Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite
     sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this
     purpose.
In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
     Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
In a Rome laundry:
     Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a
     good time.
In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:
     Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no
     miscarriages.
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
     Would you like to ride on your own ass?
In a Swiss mountain inn:
     Special today -- no ice cream.
In a Bangkok temple:
     It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a
     man.
In a Tokyo bar:
     Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
     We take your bags and send them in all directions.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
     If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
     Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
In a Budapest zoo:
     Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give
     it to the guard on duty.
In the office of a Roman doctor:
     Specialist in women and other diseases.
In an Acapulco hotel:
     The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
In a Tokyo shop:
     Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in
     the longrun.
From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner :
     Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please
     control yourself.
From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
     When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him
     melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with
     vigor.
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
     - English well talking. - Here speeching American.
A tourist telephoned a beach resort to ask where it was....
     "It is only a stone's throw away from the beach", the manager told him.
     "But how will I recognize it?" asked the tourist.
     "It's the one with all the broken windows."

The following are actual stories provided by travel agents :

I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.."

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"."

A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."."

I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on the map."."

A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!."

I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."."

A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."

A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to whom?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I 'looked into it' (I was actually laughing), I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."

A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."

A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York. The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent said "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"

IF AIRLINES SOLD PAINT

Buying paint from a hardware store...

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?
Clerk: We have regular quality for $12 a gallon and premium for $18. How many gallons would you like?
Customer: Five gallons of regular quality, please.
Clerk: Great. that will be $60 plus tax

...From an airline

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?
Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends.
Customer: Depends on what?
Clerk: Actually, a lot of things.
Customer: How about giving me an average price.
Clerk: Wow, that's too hard a question. The lowest price is $9 a gallon and we have 150 different prices up to $200 a gallon.
Customer: What's the difference in paint?
Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.
Customer: Well, then, I'd like some of that $9 paint.
Clerk: Well, first I need to ask you a few questions. When do you intend to use it?
Customer: I want to paint tomorrow, on my day off.
Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.
Customer: What?! When would I have to paint in order to get the $9 version?
Clerk: That would be in three weeks, but you will also have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.
Customer: You've got to be kidding!
Clerk: Sir, we don't kid around here. Of course, I'll have to check to see if we have any of that paint available before I can sell it to you.
Customer: What do you mean check to see if you can sell it to me? You have shelves full of that stuff. I can see it right there.
Clerk: Just because you can see it doesn't mean that we have it. It may be the same paint, but we sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price just went to $12.
Customer: You mean the price went up while we were talking!
Clerk: Yes, Sir. You see, we change prices and rules thousands of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. Unless you want the same thing to happen again, I would suggest that you get on with your purchase.
How many gallons do you want?
Customer: I don't know exactly. Maybe five gallons. Maybe I should buy six gallons just to make sure I have enough.
Clerk: Oh, no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy the paint and then don't use it, you will be liable for penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.
Customer: What?!
Clerk: That's right. We can sell you enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will be in violation of our tariffs.
Customer: But what does it matter to you whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it!
Clerk: Sir, there's no point in getting upset; that's just the way it is.We make plans based upon the idea that you will use all the paint, and when you don't, it just causes us all sorts of problems.
Customer: This is crazy! I suppose something terrible will happen if I don't keep painting until after Saturday night!
Clerk: Yes, sir, it will.
Customer: Well, that does it! I'm going somewhere else to buy my paint.
Clerk: That won't do you any good, sir. We all have the same rules. Thanks for flying....I mean painting....with our airline.

Author Unknown...but much appreciated